You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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