she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
