She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
