My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
