Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize