I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
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You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
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Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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