so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
