he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
