I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
