In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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