Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
