I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
