Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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