My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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