shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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