I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
