i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
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