This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
