My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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