i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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