He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
