if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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