6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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