u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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