Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
