Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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