I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Randomize
