I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Randomize
