My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
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Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
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after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.