He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse