I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
we're making bets on your personal life
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.