just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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