I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
porn star boner night. come get it.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
