dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
