I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
