the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
