Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
21 People Confess What It’s Really Like At An Orgy
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
These 15 Honest Illustrations Show What Women Do When No One Is Watching
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.