i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
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I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
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