I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.