Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
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trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
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We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.