I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
