Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
