Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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