like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Congratulations! We have a period
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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