You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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