I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Randomize
