I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
