No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
