i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
