im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
