i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
