I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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