youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
