Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
