Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
