I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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