Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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