i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
