dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
