so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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