I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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