Betty ford says i'm here all night
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
