i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
This toilet bowl is my home.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
